cutworm

wow i had the worlds patchiest sleep EVER last night
this is a really bad time to be sick

umm but
yesterday I talked to rf for the first time ever

he was going down the starcase I mean abuot to go down the starcase

wow my head really hurts a lot

and I was coming out of the practice rooms and I had the mental fight I always have when I see him which is "do I come up to him and say something or not" and the answer is almost always "not" but the day had been so shitty and I had been doing so much that the answer was "yes" and I stepped lightly towards him and said "hey professor fountain"

and he leaned back and said "tsup"

and I showed him my arm and said "look at my henna tattoo"

and he took my arm and frowned and squinted at it and then he was able to read it and he laughed in his very fountainy way

and I said ISNT IT AWESOME

and he said "i love it"

and I said THANKS and scampered away even though I had needed to go down the starcase as well



heh heh
gotta go pick up those antidepressants

although really
I actually don't have my checkbook
so I think I'll do it tonight when I do
Wow I def woke up at 7:30

God I'm so pissed about the sleep clinic, I spent this entire night hypnogogic, godddddd seeing brief visions, having thoughts slightlyincoherent land on me

I need to get this MAR paper written TODAY I think I'll skip recit tomorrow I really have a lot of shit to do

I'm playing on recit the first one in jan. lol. dean might not be back from baltimore. Dude he won some freaking competition

I hope last night was the peak of the sniffly phase of this cold. It was pretty extreme.

There's a chance I can test out of KH4 but I doubt it'll happen if I don't ACE THIS PROFICIENCY so obviously my only choice is to ACE THIS PROFICIENCY

Man I hope someone is outside physically shaking that tree and it's not just wind out there

Fuck my head hurts fuck I'm tired

I'm busy today until about 8; That's including practice time though which is good

I think now that I'm not doing bartok that I have the potential to ace this damn jjury


So yeah my plan of action with the sleepiness is to just suck it up and pretend like it's not there. Mind over matter. And if it becomes really bad and I start fainting then they'll have to give me different meds. Idk. It'll be interesting to be on antidepressants anyway.

I cant help but be a little annoyed at the prospect of taking anti depressants because I've worked so hard to be happy on my own terms. Everything a surrender. I guess that's the idea. I went to sportsman's with dean the other night following some awkward samdeanemma interaction and on the way he suddenly stopped and rolled down the grassy hill by one of the brick medical buildings, shrieking with laughter. If you had told me we'd have been friends I wouldn't have believed you but he is maybe my best friend this semester, actually definitely

Sucks crushin on your best friend but yanno whatever, not like it's unusual or anything

It's really actually hard to tell
I don't know how to act when boys like me
But how I act when I like boys I see lots of parallels in how dean acts around me, mostly the awkward pattern of avoidance-nearness
But I don't trust anything enough to say it's not projection
At least he is my friend I am doubtless about that

Umm so my POA is:
-go to blair
-either nap or practice arps until MAR

lmao my arpeggios

My paper really sucks so far

anyways

oh man I just realized I'm chewin' out alfred einstein and he totally died in 1952 like before pop music was invented

man

unfair of me

outrageously tired fiery tired fallover tired must write paper.

I think I should maybe, like, sell my viola and go home. Maybe. We'll see.

Here is what's going on.

Well, lots of things.

1. Everyone told me this wouldn't happen and I knew it would. But it did. The sleep clinic didn't find anything. Dr. Yu called me and told me I should concentrate on regulating my sleeping time better.

I bawled and retestified.

He said a lot of times these problems were caused by stress.

I bawled and retestified again.

I mean it's quite fucking obviously not fucking stress related seeing as how it's been going on my entire fucking life, seeing as how most everyone I talk to doesn't dream before they fall asleep, seeing as how I remember on average about 5 dreams a night since I've been recording them usually at least one of them lucid, seeing as how I'm like really notably a low stress person

The fucking sleep study
I knew it was fucked
I hate everything

They might make me stay home next semester is the thing

So I bawwwed to Dr Yu and he said he'd put me on these fucking antidepressants

Which are supposed to like lower my appetite

which is FUCKING GREAT


Fuck

So what this means is
A. My entire hugely skeptical family now probably thinks I am a total lazy idiot
B. It is entirely possible that I am just a total fucking lazy idiot and this is just what life is like
C. I have to fight the battle between 1 and 2 now


Dr Yu is really nice

He's also talking to Kim Phillips and she knows I was depressed a few weeks ago so that's gonna really
I mean who knows maybe I am just fucking depressed maybe I've been depressed since seventh grade who fucking knows fuck you all


Fuck
Fucking christ


2. I can't take German. Audits count for the 18 hour maximum but not the 12 hour minimum.

3. Testing out of KH4 looks unlikely according to Melirose.

4. I got fucking bumped from BAC. I fucking need to be in BAC. I fucking hate everyone in the world.

5. It's fucking raining and cold.

6. I'm fucking sick. Actually not as bad as yesterday lmao that was really dumb

7. What if cyrus will not let me go abroad.









1 and 7 are the big ones.



Fuck.






I mean fuck idk what to do
What do I tell my profs

Like
"hey turns out when I was sleepin' through your class that I was just lazy"

Like what the fuck



._.
;_;
I dont know what to do now

COURAGE

Idk what to do
What's the courageous thing

I ♥ music schools

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/us_iran_protests_media
man people are going to DIE

You know we like our lives but they're actually pretty small
What is dying for a cause exactly? What are you giving up? What are you gaining? Especially if you don't believe in an afterlife.

I'm gonna be ready or almost ready for the perf tomorrow
Both my bach pieces sound shitty and messy
Recording practice means also recording dramatic moments that happen when people come to my practice room

Lmao I'm REALLY DUMB

oh well I totally wanted a faint orange supertemporary henna tat anyway
Lmao

Lmao


Lmao this is not gonna last

I am sure dumb

oh well


ummm I'm real tired and amused at everything

okay so i'll just color in the E every day no biggie

uggggh it's cold and rainy and I was dreaming so peacefully

sucks having a body that hates you

this is FUCKING BAD I HAEV SO MUCH FUCKING SHIT TO DO FUCK YOU EVERYBODY I HATE YOU FUCKERS



FUCKING DESPAIR
I HATE THIS

I went to bed 3 hours ago tired as fuck!!! LOL

HA YES WOO I GOT AN A++ ON MY MARGARET BENT PAPER

I was really worried she had already sent it back commentless and it just wasn't good so I wasn't gonna look at it

I ha yes woo thought it was due 2 days later than it actually was and spent until 4:57 writing it when it was due at 5 so yeah that's good

Yeah I like writing assignments like this, which you dno't need a bibliography for and it's just you making up shit propelled by nothing but your own ego

Ha WOO I am cool
also full of it
Lmao WOO
How silly

I was sitting there typing going OHH MY GOD I AM FULLA IT WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT

talking to dean "wow I sure am writing the dumbest paper ever"

Ha ha ha ha I am cool wooooo
hey she's sumbitting it for the martin williams prize

Dude if I fucking knock the stuffing out of this other paper she assigned

heh heh heh

Ha I am gonna read it a SECOND TIME usually I can not ever read these thigns

Hmm yeah I can see how someone would think this was really good

Ha ha ha ha


You know I'm actually a pretty good writer
maybe I should start making my LJ, like, coherent
just as an exercise

lmao naaah

LMAO GOD I'm so dumb ugggh

ha ha ha ha ha ha it is really good isn't it, better than most stuff almost anyone writes
DUde writing has always come really easily to me
Why am I not a writer
Wh
Writing and drawing come SO EASILY and I'm, like, really really good at writing
like I am not boasting I actually am really good at concision and consistency and readability and clarity and finding images I want and saying what I mean and knowing exactly what I'm saying, I mean I guess I sort of have to try but it's never very tiresome and I know when I've got it, and basically I know how to write really well. So why the hell am I a music major when viola has never come easily to me

Lmao funny that she liked it so much
I guess it is pretty good

There are one or two things I'd tweak

which ummm I pretty obviously did not

yanno

like 4:55 additions to fill up two pages

"Even if it’s highly lauded and considered valuable by people"

ummmm

I guess that could work on some level deeper than I feel like exploring btu I'd have to change it to "many people" or "considered valuable" or strike the entire clause


aaaand

"or the lonely monks whose lack of self-concept would confound an twentieth century child but whose handwriting and whimsy survive centuries?"

I didn't mean a child, I meant a child of the twentieth century.


Lmao I
am
fulla it I guess LMAO the last para
I was like
QUICK WHAT DO I TALK ABOUT
Dude why the fuck are my armpits smelly WTF tehre's NO WAY I forgot deodorant

Anyway I dont really feel like getting out of bed
3 hour nap but boy oh boy am I tired
I need to though I need to practice

Man I'm hungry
I still havent been to sportsmans

Dean and I did a dumb thing yesterday where he played for ben's hearing and then I had planned to ask him to come to sportsman's with me and I think he had planned to ask me to come to his italian movie and it did not quite work out because he had to see a movie and I had to eat

So I didnt go to sportsmans despite $5 burgers

Sleeeeepy

Wooo im awesome


Woo my armpits are smelly

Do I need to take another shower
This sucks
It's too cold out for that

UGGGH KYLE IMED ME AND HIS FONT WAS SMALL

Anyway I gotta do the thing for kyle I guess and then g practice

But he has to finish making it

So yeah I think I can do really well on this second assignment; it's all based on this stumpgrumpy article this lady wrote about medieval music's place in popular culture

Idk
Idk how I feel about it
BUT!
I think I will be able to express my IDK very clearly and eloquently

http://www.behindthename.com/bb/view.php?id=3716497&board=ot

Okay if you're rich do what you want go as all-fancy-hell as you damn please hire an entire orchestra and walk into queen of sheba overture and have a mile long train and be the queen of the world.

If you're not rich:

1. Make a dress. Or spend $200 MAX. Don't wear shoes.
2. Make a cake. Or get an ice cream cake from Kroger.
3. Cater in the following manner: Go to Kroger and buy lots of chex mix. Also buy strawberries. Make sure to get tostitoes and queso cuz everyone loves queso. Kiwi is a good investment also. Also if you mix, I think it's ginger ale with lime sherbet, you get the best damn reception drink ever.
4. Don't wear a damn tux unless you already have one; don't make the groomsmen wear 'em either! Have them look nice and comfortable.
5. Don't bring like 140 people for christ's sake no one wants to come to your wedding everybody hates weddings!! Make it as painless as possible for everyone!! Everyone will love you for it.
6. Hire a cheap student string quartet :)

I would suggest these things but people just don't get married like this and people would think I was being snarky and no one takes these suggestions seriously

ok time to start taking note of this

( game )

( answers )

oh man I'm f'd for theory and MAR

yo whatever dad you earn money and you pay for my entire life and you say you love me but you ACT like a FUCKING ASSHOLE

wow my entire family is crybabies

wtf people are stupid for thinking dreams can predict the future